


Trickster Trickster

by cocaineRadiologist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Laughter, Mirrors, Murder, Science, Trickster Mode, Tricksters, kill
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-11-09
Packaged: 2017-11-17 04:51:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cocaineRadiologist/pseuds/cocaineRadiologist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The trickster beta kids finally decide to fulfill their destinies and do what they were created to. They decide to kill their mirror counterparts and replace them by infiltrating the meteor. Armed with an amateur mad scientist, a perverse manic, a psychotic prankster, a professional whiner, and a snippy sadist, nothing will stop them from reaching their sinister goals. Except, of course, the original beta kids.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Psychotic Prankster

_'A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name._  
  
 _> Enter Shenanigans._  
  
 _> Begrudgingly Try Again._  
  
 _> Examine Room._  
  
 _Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes._  
  
 _What will you do?'_  
  
  
You adjusted your glasses slightly before bursting into a fit a vicious cackles. You grinned, a set of buck teeth clamped down on your lower lip to hold back the ceaseless laughter that would surely ensue if you were to open your mouth even just a tiny bit.  
  
Now YOUR name was JOHN EGBERT, it was YOUR BIRTHDAY today, and YOU sure had a variety of INTERESTS. None of which included reading shitty webcomics, though, so you to immediately exited out of your browser. Homestuck. What a stupid name for a boring comic. Come on, what kind of comic doesn't even let you perform your oh-so famous prankful shenaniganical shenanigans? A terrible one, that's for sure.  
  
You snickered again, heading towards the window with a grin. It was the middle of the night, everything perfectly pitch black and still. You could see your reflection in the glass, staring back at you with hilariously slitted eyes. You had to put so much effort into keeping your laughs at bay that your face was often contorted in weird ways. You sniggered at your genius rhyme before continuing the staring contest which had developed between you and yourself.  
  
Your fearsome and able opponent was a young man who looked exactly like you! He had wonderfully dyed blonde hair that had been combed into a messy yet strangely uniform style and annoyingly square, black glasses. You and you lanky body was dressed head to toe in a combination of pink and blue. Your shirt, which was decorated by a sort of... Interesting pink worm and your dark blue shorts made way for a pair of sparkly, salmon colored shoes laced up with cerulean fabric strips. On the side of your head, you'd placed a rather comically large lollipop just because it was physically possible.  
  
After all, that's the only motivation you need to do something. It's why you covered the kitchen floor with butter when you knew your father would be baking. It's also why you put ipecac syrup in his milk and filled his favorite harlequin with firecrackers. You had laughed for hours when you saw the expression on his face after he went flying into the refrigerator. Not to mention he'd broken his arm which made it a billion times more hilarious.  
  
You were currently attempting to squeeze a few bucks out of your friends for a screening of the officially viral video clip. Dave had thrown twenty dollars at you without even thinking about it, Rose had spent two hours using her seasoned expertise on whining in an attempt to manipulate YOU of all people, and Jade had snapped at you for trying to solicit money from her.  
  
They were the three worst friends anyone could ever have, but that was sort of okay with you. Those kids sure did make you laugh, though, that being the only important part of any relationship. You cracked your neck after a moment of thought. The loud and rather obnoxious sound of Pesterchum messages flooding your server could only mean one thing.  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:13 --  
  
TG: john  
TG: joooooooohn  
TG: JOOOOOOOOOOOOOHN  
TG: john  
TG: john john john JOHN  
TG: why don't you love my anymore john  
TG: did i hurt my john by making too many sick rhymes  
TG: is my john all alone on his birthday  
TG: IS MY JOHN DEAD  
  
EB: hey turntechDickhead.  
EB: haha! see what i did there?  
  
TG: my beautiful john has finally returned i almost cried when you ignored like that  
TG: you are a stone cold man john  
TG: STONE COLD.  
TG: like me B)  
  
EB: any particular reason you're deciding to waste my time?  
EB: heehehehe  
EB: run out of cock to suck?  
  
TG: very funny john  
TG: but you oughtta watch who you make cry  
TG: some of them never forget  
  
EB: davey jones, you know i'll always love you! after all, you found our amateur science wizard!  
EB: i thought you were too much of an emotion filled prick sack to pull through  
EB: but i was wrong!  
  
TG: DAMN STRAIGHT  
TG: so what birthday loot has filled your stocking B)  
  
EB: dave it isn't chistmas  
  
TG: i know  
TG: but i can't make a good birthday sex euphemism  
TG: give me a minute  
TG: has anyone given you a giant, veiny birthday package yet  
TG: there we go now thats a euphemism  
  
EB: dave you glorious bastard  
EB: i'm not getting any presents this year because of that delicious piece of choice prank meat i showed you the other day  
  
TG: GAY.  
  
EB: i've got a few prime scare-tactics to make sure that dad the nocturnal pulls through  
EB: anyone who thinks they can just rip my special day away from me is gravely mistaken  
EB: eheheheh  
EB: hahahahahaha  
EB: hahahahahahaHAHAHAHA  
EB: HEHEHEHEHEHEE  
EB: PFTBWAHAHAHAHA  
EB: HOOHEEHOOHEEHAA  
EB: TEHEHEHEHEHEHEEE  
  
TG: BWAAAAHAHAHAHA  
TG: EEHEEHEEHEEHEEH  
TG: HOHOHOHOHOHOHO  
TG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
TG: this is killing my sides but oh my god you are gonna destroy him again arent you  
TG: I JUST CANT FUCKING WAIT  
TG: HES GOING TO GET SO KILLED I JUST  
TG: I JUST  
  
EB: IM going TO waste THAT son OF a BITCH.  
EB: HE won't EVEN know WHAT'S happening!  
EB: ITS just SO goddamn FUNNY dave!  
EB: I think IM dying OF laughter!  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:23 --  
  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:30 --  
  
TG: i can finally breathe again  
TG: jesus christ was that hilarious  
  
EB: dad the nocturnal pulled his shit together and got me my poster.  
  
TG: im so proud of you, my sweet john  
TG: did my sweetest johnny get the beta yet  
  
EB: fuck if i know, haven't checked the mail in weeks.  
  
TG: but joooooooohn  
TG: i want to play with you B)  
TG: i just want to play with my john all day long B)  
  
EB: John means penis, Dave.  
  
TG: what really  
  
EB: no, but now dave means idiot.  
  
TG: that cuts deep, john  
TG: CUTS LIKE A SHARP ASS KNIFE  
TG: YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY  
  
EB: oh shut up, davey jones.  
EB: i'll see if i can't get my ass down to the mailbox.  
  
TG: B) you always know just what to say  
TG: you make me smile john  
TG: anyhow  
TG: NS should have sent them to ya  
  
EB: our amateur scientist better have helped us out with this shit.  
  
TG: of course she did  
TG: shes magnificent  
  
EB: you think every female is magnificent.  
EB: even the dead ones.  
  
TG: not true john  
TG: i dont like four year olds  
  
EB: but if a six year old slips a nip all bets are off, right?  
  
TG: only if that six year old is as legendarily magnificent as my sweet lover  
TG: oh NS youre the only letters ill ever capitalize  
  
EB: you literally just said that about GG yesterday.  
  
TG: dont be so bitter  
TG: you should get that taste out of your mouth  
TG: im sweeter than candy  
TG: why not suck on me  
  
EB: wait, you have a penis?  
EB: i thought you had a pussy because you're such a little bitch  
EB: :)  
  
TG: i do love you john  
TG: you make me laugh  
TG: now go check your mail sourpuss  
TG: davey jones  
TG: out B)  
  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:57 --


	2. The Perverse Maniac

_‘There's this really cool dude, ok? He's standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes. A cool dude like this probably has a real cool name. But he probably wouldn't just tell you what it was if you asked. He'd be way too busy for that. Busy being totally sweet._   
_But you could always try to guess his name. And if you were right, he might nod ever so slightly. That's a cool dude's way of letting you know there might just be hope for you yet._   
_ > Enter Hilarity._   
_This guy doesn't have time for this sort of bullshit._   
_ > Give Him A Name That Suits His Sexual Body._   
_ > Examine Room._   
_Your name is DAVE. It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM April day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your FAN is cranked. Arguably even more cranked would be your FLY BEATS, which brings us to your variety of INTERESTS. A cool dude like you is sure to have plenty. You have a penchant for spinning out UNBELIEVABLY ILL JAMS with your TURNTABLES AND MIXING GEAR. You like to rave about BANDS NO ONE'S EVER HEARD OF BUT YOU. You collect WEIRD DEAD THINGS PRESERVED IN VARIOUS WAYS. You are an AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER and operate your own MAKESHIFT DARKROOM. You maintain a number of IRONICALLY HUMOROUS BLOGS, WEBSITES, AND SOCIAL NETWORKING PROFILES. And if the inspiration strikes, you won't hesitate to drop some PHAT RHYMES on a mofo and REPRESENT._

_What will you do?’_

  
Dear CHRIST was that man attractive. He was gorgeous. A tall, toned, sensual, white-haired beauty seemed to have been trapped inside YOUR new favorite webcomic. He was a beautiful young man at the tender age of fifteen, much like yourself, and you had the strangest urge to absolutely ravish him. You chuckled to yourself, tearing a pair of heart-shaped, pink sunglasses off your face with zeal so you could flaunt your gorgeous scarlet eyes.

YOUR name was Dave Strider and YOU were far cooler than that sexual piece of man meat on the monitor. Your interests mainly included BEING SENSUAL and being abso-fucking-lutely AMAZING. Not just because you happened to be sickeningly attractive, but also because your Bro had taught you to always love yourself more than anyone else. Bro had taught you many things, yet only about four of those lessons had revolved around life. You spent a few minutes fantasizing about Bro's many intense teachings before returning to your browser.

You'd ended your chat with EB a while ago and, even though it was two in the morning, you were still aching for a bit more human contact. You really didn't sleep very much but neither did HB. She was the gorgeously magnificent amateur science god. You would have asked GG, but she had explained, rather rudely, that she hated everything about science. Therefore the quest was on for someone who knew more about science than anyone you had ever met. And you spent a lot of your time just meeting people and being magnificent. You took another long moment to evaluate you amazingly fantastically bombastic personality before replying to HB's summons.

\-- heliocentricBinomial [HB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

HB: What noise does the Fonzi make?  
HB: EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

TG: right back at ya B)  
TG: *jukebox slam*

HB: Whats UP? What is the occasion for this two in the morning chat? Im working on an important project and I dont really have time for an egotistical assfuck RIGHT now. ;{")

TG: youre a cruel mistress to love HB

HB: Its all about the S AMPERSAND M. But seriously I do not have any free moments for your kind.  
HB: SO PICK IT UP TURNTECHDICKHEAD.

TG: you started the chat anyway  
TG: whore  
TG: selling yourself to science  
TG: not giving me any of that sweet body B(  
TG: i want it

HB: Dave... Dave, Dave, Davey of the Jones, Dave...  
HB: Im FIVE FEET TALL.  
HB: I weigh ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY POUNDS.  
HB: IM BY NO MEANS A HOT PIECE OF ASS.  
HB: So cool your jets and tell me why were talking.  
HB: CHRIST.

TG: but  
TG: i love you B(  
TG: dont make me cry HB  
TG: i dont forget those who make me cry >B(  
TG: ill make you pay HB

HB: Not with a heart defect like yours, you wont.  
HB: I may be fat but I can run like a gazelle!  
HB: Davey, Dave, DAVE.

TG: oh that reminds me  
TG: why did you monitor our hearts anyway  
TG: did you want to watch mine skip a beat when I talk to you B)

HB: Ah the EVER bipolar Davey Jones.  
HB: :{") I had to make sure you were fit enough to be reassembled CORRECTLY.  
HB: You see, I have this model of the human body to be used when putting you guys back together in THEIR dimension.

TG: im bored B(

HB: YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH.

TG: come on HB  
TG: its just you going  
TG: science science science science science  
TG: even though id love to do some weird science with yooooooooooou B)  
TG: interested

HB: I hope you fully understand that I want to stab you IN THE FACE right now.  
HB: How dare you just interrupt my SCIENTIFIC ADVANCES.  
HB: MY GENIUS OUTWEIGHS THAT OF NEWTON AND EINSTEIN COMBINED.  
HB: IM A GOD YOU ASSFUCK.  
HB: IVE DONE MORE MAD SCIENCE THAN DAVINCI.  
HB: IVE SLICED MORE LIVE LITTLE LOVELIES OPEN THAN JACK THE FUCKING RIPPER.  
HB: SO DONT YOU EVEN BEGIN TO DARE TO INTERRUPT THE FLOWING RAYS OF MANIACAL SCIENCE THAT FLY OUT MY ANUS.  
HB: WATCH YOURSELF STRIDER YOU SEEM TO FORGET I KNOW EVERYTHING.

\-- heliocentricBinomial [HB] ceased pestering turntchGodhead [TG] --

You slowly wheeled yourself away from the computer. Your face paled a bit at the touch of almost genuine fear. She did know a sickening amount about science. So much, in fact, that you hardly began to fear for your life. Then you remembered how fantastic you were and stopped worrying immediately. You even started smiling again. Wider than you had all night. That little Isa and her anger management issues. Her scientific prowess and hilarious bursts of extensive capitalization.

You wished your sweet Jade had felt up to helping out with the oh-so complex necessities of dimensional travel. At least she was going to help you when you finally decided to start the beta. You wondered if GG was online at the time and moused over a few Pesterchum buttons in order to check. She was and when you discovered this fact, you couldn't move the mouse fast enough.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

GG: what is it turntechdouchebag?  
GG: cant you see im fucking busy? >:(

TG: HB is being mean jadey  
TG: i wanted to make sweet word love to her  
TG: and she just yelled at me about science B(  
TG: make me smile again

GG: fuck off doucheass =_=  
GG: im glad youre upset fucktard!!  
GG: in fact im ecstatic to see you in pain!!! >:)

TG: so  
TG: you wont even love me anymore B(

GG: go stare at your assface in the mirror  
GG: or go have sex with your pervert brother again!! =_=  
GG: just leave me out of it you pussy ass man whore!  
GG: actually, correction  
GG: you arent good looking enough to be a man whore!  
GG: you pathetic sack of shit!!  
GG: go pester someone else!! >:(

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

You frowned at the computer screen, watching worry lines appear on your forehead. As woeful as you were, you couldn't help but admire your reflection. You were a tall boy at the age of fifteen, well-muscled in all the right places but not overly toned. You were sheathed by a pair of long, mint green jeans and a cutesy blue shirt. The top had been designed beautifully with a pink record, the best part about it being the heart shaped hole in the center. You grinned at your beautiful face, noticing the rosy tiny that lined your cheekbones and your perfectly straight, pearly teeth.

You believed you best aspect had to be your eyes, though. When they weren't hidden by your favorite pair of bubblegum pink, heart-shaped glasses. The orbs of unscathed scarlet stared a girl down, nobody could resist. Your contact list looked like a phonebook all thanks to a pair of candy apple red spheres. Your hair was wonderful, too. You spent an hour styling it every morning to ensure it surrounded the enormous, paper mâché strawberry you attached to your skull and looked exactly like whipped cream. Your hair was an eerie paper white that made you strongly resemble and albino and made you look fantastic.

You snickered at yourself with a grin. Oh well. Jade and Isa could yell at you all they wanted to, you would remain icy cold. That was, of course, after you finished bawling your eyes out into your favorite cherry shaped pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooo~ It seems like quite a few of you mooncalves have taken a liking to this story! Anywho~ Here's the brand new  
> Dave Strider chapter of beauty and grace. Please don't screech about the OC, I absolutely needed her to tie the story together well and reach what I eventually want to. Also I'm going to make sure she's NOT any sort of Mary-Sue. Now enjoy young children~ Send me praise!  
> Next time we'll be meeting our sweet Jadey Jade!  
> Toodles~
> 
> P.S. Italics didn't work in the preview, not sure why, so if they don't show up in this chapter you have my apologies!

**Author's Note:**

> I noticed there was a SERIOUS lack of Trickster Homestuck stories which obviously meant I had to fix that issue. Anyhow~ Hopefully you little mooncalves enjoyed this introductory beginning chapter written on many a pain medication. Comment, my children, and you will soon meet Trickster Strider and all his strawberry glory.
> 
> Toodles~


End file.
